The Praetorian Writers’ … Dating App?!?


Ever since our principal editor asked for a generic banner graphic to use in case he didn’t have one for one of our essays, things have taken a very weird turn here at our small, but increasingly influential think tank.

First, a tiny bit of background: we gave our guy a goodly chunk of money to go find A Face for our group. He found… Sven. (Not his real name. See below)

SMALL-00-DownSven-6-26-2020-4

As one of our women writers put it: Sven’s just about perfect. He’s big, tall, well-muscled, has a very athletic body, has a low, sexy voice, he’s really, really handsome in a rugged, Jeremiah Johnson, manly kind of way, he’s immensely strong, he’s shy, quiet, unassuming and endearing, and a super sweet guy! And he seems to have no idea he’s such a hunk!

Well! Okay.

When we sent our guy out to find The Face, we didn’t give him very detailed instructions. We asked for:

…an interesting face. An expressive face, a face with lots of character. We told him that “the face” didn’t have to be beautiful, but expressive was the big thing. Our actual instructions were: “a guy — a big guy — with a piercing stare that transmits strength, intelligence and giving-a-darn.”

Yes, we asked for a man, because we thought that our commentary ought to be subtly buttressed by images of strength. In fact, the women in our group were in enthusiastic agreement. They suggested that we seek out a dude.

So, after we introduced “Sven” as the face of our small, but increasingly influential think tank, there was a small, but intense, firestorm here at TPWG Central HQ.

First, I should give you just a little bit (I promise) of background. Our blog is a public entity — available to the world. However, if we were to catch fire, we’d have to close the blog immediately. Why? Well, a vital component of our blog is our anonymity. We’re several (around a dozen) extremely prominent, prominent, not-all-that-prominent and not-at-all-prominent writers, analysts and commentators.

Each and every one of us could lose his or her job, and/or suffer even worse repercussions, if it were to become known that he writes for us. Hence, we use a variety of very high-tech and extremely low-tech methods to hide our identities from anyone who might be interested in determining who we are.

One of those low-tech methods? We allow only our editor to post any of our content. For anyone to determine who any one of us is, he would have to identify our editor and extract from him (or her 🙂 ) our identities. We compensate him (or her 🙂 ) quite well to make sure that he won’t reveal any of our identities. Oh, and he doesn’t even know most of us. Whoever you are, you won’t find out who we are. 🙂

I should admit that we get a lot of assistance from the half-witted left-wing media because we check all their right-wing censorship boxes. If you search for us, you’ll be hard pressed to find us in Google, or Bing or any other search engine. Oh, we’re there, but we’re never in the first page of the search engine results pages. We’re grateful for that. It’s an important tool in maintaining our anonymity.

So, what does all that nice digression mean? Well, Sven… is not one of us. He’s just a face. An impressive face, I get it, but still just a face. And we’re starting to understand that we might need to protect Sven’s anonymity as well. 

Apparently, there are a whole lot of women out there who wish that Sven were one of us, and who wish also that they could get to know him better!

Most of our interactions with our readers happen outside the context of this blog. The most common interaction with our blog is something like this: #1: A professor or teacher reads an essay of ours, #2: prints it out, #3: presents it to his or her class and #4: prompts discussion based on the points made in the essay. And, #5: the person who downloaded our content transmits feedback to us about the post in question.

The point is that in the past few weeks, we’ve been inundated with requests — 99+% from women, but some from men as well — to pass along Sven’s contact coordinates. I don’t know all that much about him, but I can tell you that Sven is single (unmarried) and unattached. However, he’s not necessarily looking for a match from us… at this small, but increasingly influential think tank. Here’s one of the more surprising things: one of the principal sources of requests to meet Sven is: college coeds!

Now, I have no idea how old Sven is, but he’s past college age… by a decade or two. Or three. My guess? I’d put him at about 45 years old. Here’s a truth: no college coed should ever try to be romantically involved with a 45-year old! I don’t care how attractive he is!

Anyway, for those who end up reading our content, who are women (sorry, some dudes, Sven’s not gay), who are interested in Sven romantically, you can PM me (I’m the editor) at jazzitarist@gmail.com, and I’ll pass along your information to Sven. If you’re too young, I’m not going to pass your information along, because, well, because Sven’s not interested, and… you’re too young!

I should mention that Sven is quite flattered at the torrent of attention that has indirectly come his way as a result of his debut as The Face of The Praetorian Writers’ Group. However, he has found it difficult to manage the greatly increased demands for his attention. So, since we got him into this, we’re going to help him out. We will handle all interactions with Sven going forward. (E-mail address above, in red)

Important Note: We will not pass along requests made publicly through the blog. In fact, we will delete such requests. For those of you who do reach out to Sven via PM, good luck! I hope everything works out.

— xPraetorius

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