Making Fun of the Left

As most of you know, we’ve long maintained that there’s far too little comedy targeting the political Left. The Left is stuffed to the brim with idiots, buffoons, troglodytes, half-wits, reactionaries, namby-pamby wimps, sanctimonious, pompous asses and that new species of leftist nincompoop: the snowflake.

They say lots of funny things, and we on the Right should never, ever forego the opportunity to heap well-deserved scorn on their empty little noggins. I thought I’d take a first hack at writing a comedy routine that some courageous comedian might want to deliver. Remember: it’s all in the delivery! A Bill Burr-type comedian could, I think, deliver this perfectly. Your comments and critiques are, of course, quite welcome.

[Comedian strides out on the stage after introduction]

I have a fun little topic for you: Communism. You know… the thing that’s all the rage these days on college campuses across the land?

You know, there’s one thing Hitler got right. (pause for a second or two to let shock set in) Do you remember how before Hitler came to power, he was whining all about how the Jews and Communists betrayed Germany and he said that was why they lost World War I?

Well, he got one thing right. Not the Jews, but the Communists definitely were busy betraying Germany. That’s what they do, Communists. They betray you. Every time. And Jewish Communists betray you too. Not because they’re Jewish… but because they’re Communists.

Hitler got another thing right. Communists are sub-humans. Oh, they’re humans, alright, biologically anyway. But mentally they’re… not. Mentally, they’re sub-humans, because they choose to be.

Communists. Colleges love ’em. And why not? They’re passionate, fiery. They say they love things like social justice! And fairness! And equality! How couldn’t you love ’em?!?

Well, let’s see… they murdered 100 million plus people in the last century.

Might that make it okay not to love ’em?

Oh, it was always… “for the good of the country!” that they went around slaughtering people.

And these Communists want to turn over every aspect of your life and mine over to the government… (pause) Because we know just how well that always works out!

[sings — to the tune of “Drunken Sailor“]

What do you do with a dumbass commie?
What do you do with a dumbass commie?
What do you do with a dumbass commie?
Ear-lie in the mornin’

Put ‘im to bed and (hold the mic out to the crowd, then pull it back)

… [deadly serious face and quiet, serious voice] Shoot ‘im.

(brief pause)

Before he shoots you.

(brief pause)

‘Cause that’s what they do.

(back to jovial)

I’m kidding, Just kidding! … calm down. We shouldn’t shoot Communists, but for crying out loud, never, never ever… frickin’ elect the bastards to anything! I mean, are you kidding me?!?!? It’s like saying, “Oh, I dunno, let’s just give this Manson fellow a go at Congress for a little while, see how that works out…”

I felt safe in saying that because Charlie Manson’s dead and gone. Finally! Whew! he sure took his time, didn’t he? But if he was still alive… Who knows: Maybe the Left might want to give him a go at running for Congress. After all, they had Ted Kennedy for so long. Apparently torturing and killing young women isn’t a career obstacle in the Democrat Party.

But now we can’t have Communists running around cluttering up the streets, and getting underfoot either. So, what do we do with the dumbass commies? Well, I guess as a society we should give them jobs commensurate with their intelligence and brainpower … you know, things like garbage haulers, and sewer-muckers, and crash-test dummies, and such. (after the laughter dies down) I’m just kidding (brief pause, low voice) about letting ’em be sewer-muckers, that is.

I mean, we could make them live under their own system, with their own rules. You know, first tax the crap out of ’em, then take away everything they own — especially their electronic gadgets! — then make ’em live in apartments made out of cinder blocks, with no heat, no air conditioning, no running water and no toilet facilities, then don’t pay ’em anything for their jobs, then if they complain about it (pause) … shoot ’em (pause) … and their entire family. You know, just like real Communists do! But, before you shoot ’em, ask ’em if they still like Communism. Then shoot ’em.

Just kidding… no, we shouldn’t really shoot ’em (pause) even though they’d sure as shootin’ shoot you at the drop of a hat! Cough the wrong way, and they shoot you!

Instead, though, we’ve been giving these goons easy, important jobs like… University Professor, and University Administrator, and Congresswoman, and Senator.

Seriously, why on earth are we giving these clodpoles positions of power?!? (sarcastically) I have a great idea! Let’s give a sadistic, ignorant, psychotic, power-mad, bloodthirsty half-wit a really powerful position in the government of the most powerful country in human history… what could possibly go wrong with that?!?

And the Socialists and Communists want to turn over every aspect of everyone’s lives to the government. A government run by them. What could possibly go wrong with that?!?

(again) Because, as we pointed out before, the government just does things so well!

You know… how well the government fixed poverty, and disease, and hunger and international tensions… and health care costs. Thank goodness we gave them control over all that, huh? Whew! Wow! What a relief!

Oh, and what a great job they’ve done with education! And, what great things they’ve done for education costs! We turn education and education financing over to the government, and education goes down the crapper, while the costs go through the roof! Now an education is worthless (pause) and costs ten times as much! Such a good job the government does with everything!

I know! I know! Let’s turn over everything in the ecomomy… the whole economy… over to the government! What could possibly go wrong?

(pause as if new topic)

So, the Communists killed 100 million plus people over the last 100 years. To do that yourself, you’d have to obliterate one whole town of more than 2,500 people — with its inhabitants — every day, seven days a week, day in and day out, year in and year out (pause) for more than a hundred years. Communists. These people are the psychos’ psychos! They’re the Gold medalists, the Super Bowl MVP’s, World Series MVP’s, Wimbledon, Masters, US Open, World Cup Champions, the TomBradyJackNicklausTigerWoodsRogerFederers of psychos!

And they think the government does everything better than you and I do. Wow! More to the point: they think that a government run by them would do everything better than you and I do. These people show such good judgement!

(pause as if new topic)

So they’re idiots too.

You and I ought to be able to reason with ’em, though, after they take over the government, right? I mean, when they come for you, you oughtta be able to talk down a bunch of sadistic, slope-headed, knuckle-dragging, drooling, psychotic half-wits, right? … you know, convince ’em that you’re not a bad guy, right? R-i-i-i-i-i-i-ght…

(pause as if new topic)

You may say that Communism, and the death that Communists brought with them on an inconceivable scale, perhaps shouldn’t be a subject for joking… but you’d be wrong. Such things should be the subject of ridicule. Every time, all the time.

There are people… in the frickin’ United frickin’ States frickin’ government for cryin’ out loud! — who think that Communism, and its deformed twin Socialism, are just dandy. We need to hold these idiots up for scathing ridicule, for merciless scorn, for devastating derision… constantly.

Back in the 1930’s, or thereabouts, Charlie Chaplin, himself a leftist half-wit (pause) but a talented half-wit (pause) and quite a funny half-wit… made a movie that mocked Hitler mercilessly… it was very effective. Why? Simple: if these idiots on the Left weren’t so deadly, and so deadly serious, they’d be really frickin’ funny. I mean, the stoooooopid things they say! Chaplin saw through the massive stupidity of Hitler and his ideology, and found the funny. He missed the massive stupidity of his own ideology, of course — it was the same dim-witted ideology after all — but he got it right about Hitler. (aside) Maybe that’s how it always is: we see the other guy’s nitwittery, but miss our own…

Anyway, by making fun of Socialists and Communists — same critter really — we do nothing more than pay tribute to that very aspect of them that they themselves have lost sight of. By pointing well-deserved scorn at them, we offer them the possibility to rediscover their own humanity; their own fallibility; a little humility — it’s the humanity they lost in their choice to embrace the bloodiest, deadliest, most destructive belief system in human history.

Part of the reason these thugs are so numerous now, is that no one has had the courage to stand up to them (pause) for fear that they’ll get flunked out of college. Well, isn’t it kind of obvious that the thugs and goons are the very ones we must stand up to? We must mock? We must ridicule, and scorn and deride?

Look, if someone today said to you that he really admired Hitler, you’d laugh at him. And you’d call him a moron, and you’d mock him and make fun of him, and you’d call him the idiot that he is.

You’d have no qualms about doing that to someone claiming to be a Nazi, or a Hitler-sympathizer. Why? Because you know that they’re not a force in America. They’re nothing and they’re nobody. They have no prominent American supporters, and no power base. They’re only the occasional lone loser who’s spent too much time in his parents’ basement for months on end, in the same pair of underwear. So, you don’t fear him. And you mock him… as is his due.

I simply propose that we all do that, now… to the Communists and Socialists… before we have another world war that’ll kill another hundred million people.

When someone says he’s a Socialist or a Communist, we should laugh at him and say, “You’re kidding, right? What are you, an idiot? Or just an ignorant damfool?” Never take him seriously. Just as you’d never take a Nazi seriously, never take any Socialist seriously! More to the point, never allow any Socialist to take himself and his cockamamie, stupid, psychotic, bloodthirsty, IQ-deprived ideology seriously.

The sooner we kill and bury Socialism, in all its manifestations, the better for the world.

Want to cure hunger, and poverty, and bring about world peace? Easy. As a country, stand up right now and mock Socialism, and deride and ridicule it, until it’s shamed out of existence on this planet.

The moment when Socialism arrives, in the world’s understanding, at the place where Naziism is now, the following will happen: Within a year, all wars will cease. Within five years, environmentalism will be an obsolete, unneeded relic. Within ten years, hunger won’t be a problem anywhere in the world, Within 20 years, poverty won’t be a problem anywhere in the world.

Want world peace? Want to end hunger? Want to end poverty? Easy: end Socialism.

You’ve been great! Thanks! Good night all!


— xPraetorius


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