Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: How Comedians Ought to See Her

We’ve often said in these pages, that comedians ought to have a field day with the Left. They say such idiotic things, that comedians should have only one problem: How to fit all the content into one 3-hour special.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is the perfect example. She ought to be comedy gold!

Just some quick thoughts on a routine that I’d like to see…

A comedian in the style of Bill Burr comes on stage.

“Thank you all… thanks. Great to be here in [wherever]! Hey! What do you think of that AOC, you know AOC? I know, I know… sounds like an internet service. And it kinda is. (pause) Go to and find a whole free crapload o’ stupid! Free!

Holy half-wit, Batman! Have you ever listened to this brainless bimbo? I mean, I feel like that if she went on Jeopardy with, with, with a, a (appears to think about it) a squirrel and a hamster, she’d come in a distant third. I’ll take “World History” for $500, Alex. (pause) What is… it’s all white men’s fault, and I think we ought to implement Socialism so we can kill ’em all.

No, really… AOC is (slowly) A l e x a n d r i a  O c a s i o-C o r t e z. Cool name, eh? And, let’s face it, she’s a pretty girl! You’ve seen her, right? Kind of pretty! ‘Specially when she’s doing that little dance? [pause for laughter] You know, the little dance on the internet? Look it up… it’s hilarious! (briefly serious) And weirdly erotic… [pause for laughter]

But, what in the Sam frickin’ Hill is goin’ on in that Cortez cortex?!? [pause for laughter] ‘Cause it ain’t thinkin’! Or ideas. Or any kinda, ya know (slowly) c o g i t a t i o n. ‘Cause if it were any of that stuff, she’d do a whole lot less running of her mouth and her Twitter finger, and a whole lot more of sayin’, “Holy crap! What the hell am I doing here?!?” [pause for laughter] 

I have a feeling that if you were to hold a cow patty up next to one of her ears, it’d get sucked inside like light into a black hole. [pause for laughter] And the contents inside would be much improved by the cow patty too!

Look, I don’t want to say that AOC’s stupid, but (pause)… Okay, I do (look embarrassed downward and pause for laughter). Let’s see. Look, I don’t want to say that she’s an idiot, but… (pause) Okay, I guess I want to say that too.

Well, she is pretty, right? I mean, I’ll give her that! She’s pretty in a kind of “Hey, you’re good looking, but I’d never come within ten feet of you because I know you’d end up castrating me before the night’s over,” kinda way.

I mean have you seen those teeth? I think she bought ’em off of Secretariat’s owner when he died. She kinda reminds me of a true story from my much younger days. I was the database manager for a mortgage company, and some colleagues and I were staying late one night, with Heather, to gin up some reports. Heather. (takes on faraway look and smiles) [pause for laughter]

Heather. [pause for laughter]

Heather was beautiful, and she was in our Compliance Department, so she was always asking for reports on this and that and the other frickin’ thing.

Compliance Department! What on earth is that?!? …Wow! In America?!?!?! Compliance?!?

This is the kind of department that black-hole-cortex Cortez really loves! (takes on German accent) You vill comply! Ve have vays to make you comply! If you don’t comply… [pause] I keel you! (Do it in a Jeff Dunham/Ahmed the Dead Terrorist voice, then credit Jeff Dunham)

So, there we were — Jeff, Patrick, Phil and me… and Heather. (pause… look skyward)  [Aside: “She’s worth it… still.” I don’t care that it took the establishment of a totalitarian, fascistic, thug-like, goon-filled, oppressive, frickin’ Compliance Department to hire Heather, it was worth it! [pause for laughter.]]

So, I’m at the computer keyboard, and everyone else is in a semi-circle right behind me. There’s a jar of “dum-dums” right in front of me. You know what those are, right? They’re like spherical lollipops on a stick with a Tootsie Roll in the center. They look kinda like a flying saucer got impaled on a telephone pole… only much, much smaller. About this big. (holds thumb and and index finger about three inches apart.) On an impulse I grab a handful and pass ’em around to everyone behind me… and Heather. (pause and look wistfully skyward) [Aside to the audience : Still worth it!] (Shake your head as if to remove a distraction.)

Phil, Pat, Jeff and I start to work over the Dum Dums in our mouths, when we hear a C-R-U-N-C-H!!! (make a crunch sound…pause) You know how it’s almost physically painful to hear someone bite into something that’s almost pure sugar? That’s what Heather did! It was horrible!

I kinda jolt in my seat, and turn around and say, “Heather, what’re you doin’? Make it last!” She says, and I swear this is true… ’cause I went home and wrote it down… verbatim! This is it… word-for-word, what Heather says: “I can’t help it, whenever I have something hard in my mouth, I can’t suck it, I have to bite it.”

[pause for laughter]

I swear! Absolutely true story. (walks around the stage.)

Phil, Pat, Jeff and I re-jolted either in our seat, or standing where we were. Seriously, you people, even 30 years ago… how were us four guys supposed to respond to that? (slowly) No one did or said a damned thing. Not one damned thing. To this day, none of us has the slightest clue whether Heather (pause — gaze skyward) was kidding. (pause for laughter)

Finally I said — shakily — “Ok…Let’s see what this system can report to us!”

Smooth, eh? Pretty strong comeback from Heather’s little surprise announcement, eh? Uh huh? I know, I know… You wish you could be that smooth on a moment’s notice, like I was. Yessirree! When yer lookin’ fer smooth, you come to me!

“Whenever I have something hard in my mouth, I can’t suck it, I have to bite it.”

That’s AOC on a date. [pause for laughter]

She’s pretty… but so’s (rattle ’em off quickly) poison sumac… and cancer cells… under a microscope… and Michelle Obama… and the molecular structure of… cyanide, box jellyfish, hydrochloric acid’s molecular structure, wild fires, explosions, young Hillary [pause for laughter], the Sun, Venus, Saturn. And they’re all about as good for you. [pause for laughter]

Those are all really pretty things, but you don’t want to get within, say, 9.5 billion miles of any of ’em!

‘Specially if you’re a cow patty! [pause for laughter]

Look… I’ve spent the last few minutes telling you that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (pause) — AOC — [Aside: Sorry, can’t help it: [deep, advertising voice] AOC: America On Crack! — (slowly) ‘Cause something like that had to be going on to get this half-wit elected to Congress! [pause for laughter]]

I know I’ve spent the last few minutes telling you that AOC  (pause) — AOC — [Aside: (deep, advertising voice) America On Crack! [pause for laughter]] I really can’t help it! I know I’ve spent the last few minutes telling you that AOC’s dumb as a stump. (pause) My apologies. [To the crowd] (whispers into the mic) Ask me why I’m apologizing… Crowd (raggedly) “Why are you apologizing?”] Because that’s unfair to stumps. [pause for laughter]

Oh, c’mon! Stop it! Cut it out! I know, I know… it’s an old joke! But, you know I had to break it out at least once! Gimme a break! And… (pause) it’s still a good one! [pause for laughter, walk around on stage]. Yes it is. 

So, why do I say that AOC (pause and hold the microphone out to the crowd. Crowd: “America On Crack!”) is so frickin’ stupid? 

Well… (gets serious): Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez — (quickly) frickin’ brain-dead, air-headed, IQ-deprived, half-witted, slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing reactionary that she is — so of course she’s an Ivy League graduate! — well, she’s also a Socialist. (pause — slowly, quietly: “But I repeat myself”)

(Quick pace) Now, in a sane society, admitting you’re a Socialist would have the same social effect as announcing that you have herpes, or genital warts…(pause)  or that you just signed up to go walk in the KKK march that’s coming to your town.

In the Bronx, it gets you elected to Congress.

If you have (shouts it) any knowledge of history whatsoever, you know that Socialism is the leading cause of premature death in (slowly) all – of – human – history. More than the Black Death. More than the plague. More than cancer. More than  nuclear bombs [Aside: (holds up two fingers) two of ’em!], more than (slowly) AIDS, guns, the slave trade, nuclear weapons and nuclear reactors, the measles, all the air disasters in history, all the natural disasters in history, polio, malaria, yellow fever, beri beri, tobacco, pot, LSD, cocaine, crack… (pause) combined. And all in the last 100 years!

Socialism has already been more deadly than any single cause of death in human history, except for two things… know what those two things are? Time and natural causes. [pause for laughter]

Those two things — time and natural causes — are the only things more deadly than Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… AOC (holds the microphone out to the crowd. Crowd: “America On Crack!“)

And that’s what AOC (pause: hold the microphone out to the crowd)… wants to bring here to America! See why I said I was being unfair to stumps?

Thank you all, you’ve been a great audience! Good night!

I could go on from there — for a very long time! — obviously.

For example… every tweet that AOC (pause) (holds the microphone out to the crowd. Crowd: “America On Crack!“) ( 🙂 ) has ever done is fair game, and… there are a lot of ’em!

However, I think you get the point. Those were all just off the top of my head. Why don’t America’s comedians jump all over the frickin’ comedy gold mine that AOC (pause) (holds the microphone out to the crowd. Crowd: “America On Crack!“) ought to represent?

— xPraetorius

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