Don’t… “Believe the Women”

Now, now… before you get all huffy, and high and mighty with me, I mean it. Do not “believe the women” who are “coming forward” to make accusations of sexual harassment or assault.

Oh, don’t disbelieve them either.

Believe the evidence.

There have been places where, absent evidence, we simply believed the accusers: The Soviet Union, Red China, Nazi Germany. The result: 120 million dead bodies.

Not simply believing accusers is one of the massive, revolutionary changes we made in jurisprudence that have made this the greatest, freest country that’s ever existed.

Oh, we went through a period when we simply believed the accusers, without any substantiating  evidence. We called that the time of the “Salem Witch Trials.”

Are we really going just to “believe the women,” and not allow due process to happen? Do we really think that such a climate wouldn’t produce a tidal wave of false accusations? Really? Who’s stupid enough to believe that? The current climate already produces lots and lots of false accusations. Think Duke LaCrosse, Rolling Stone, and more…

I live in a state where everyone openly acknowledges that the judicial system aggressively discriminates against men. Yep. Openly. Some of you know my story. My ex-wife is an abusive drunk, who had threatened to haul me before the Department of Children and Families (DCF), and to make disgusting accusations against me, because she knew that the people at DCF would… “believe the woman.”

If she had done that, then I would have lost my children. As it was, the final arrangement in our divorce worked out as follows:

  • I asked for a family study, which produced a lengthy report from a psychologist which said two things #1: My then wife had serious psychological issues, and #2: the children should live with me.
  • That was 12 years ago. The kids came to live with me, and the judge imposed child support payments on me. Yep. The kids lived with me, and I’ve been paying child support for more than 12 years. Officially, we have “50-50 custody,” but I knew things would work out this way.
  • Actually, I got away somewhat easy: I’ve paid my ex-wife more than $100,000 for child support; child support that I have then actually done myself… and paid for, of course. So, really, I pay child support twice — once to my ex, who does no actual child support, and then again for my children… who live with me.
  • While I was married — for fifteen years — my ex-wife drank our retirement, our children’s education fund, our children’s future. Here’s some easy math: While we were married, my family lived exclusively on my income. If my ex had done nothing more than earn something like $40,000 (gross) annually (about what an administrative assistant makes), and we had lived exclusively on my income, we would have had half a million dollars saved away.  We’d have been prosperous, with a nice house, two cars, the kids’ educations taken care of, a real retirement plan… a real future. Exclusively on her very modest income. If you then subtracted the massive expense of her drinking (at least a magnum of wine every day, 365 days per year), you’d be able to add in an additional $100,000 to our savings, and our retirement. You’ll note I’m talking about nothing more than normal behavior.

I said above that I “got away somewhat easy.” Here’s a guy who didn’t. Keith pays $1,000 per week in alimony and child support to his ex-wife, who doesn’t work, and simply stays home with his four children, whom he now rarely sees.

Why? Well, he’s working three jobs to be able to afford just what he pays his ex, not counting what he needs to survive for himself. His wife lives in their large house, while he lives in a one-room studio in a bad section of Hartford, CT.

His wife divorced him in the first place, because she was cheating on him, and she figured that if he divorced her, citing her infidelity, she might not get a cushy divorce settlement. In my friend’s case, the Connecticut judicial system “believed the woman” throughout the entire process.

In my case, even when I had a psychologist’s report indicating that my ex-wife had a serious psychological disorder, the Connecticut judicial system “believed the woman,” and actively collaborated in the stripping away of a vast chunk of my children’s future.

Had the Connecticut judicial system done nothing more than examine the actual evidence, and not “believed the woman,” a number of things might have happened, not the least of which is that my ex-wife might have been forced to examine her own alcoholism 12 years earlier. My kids would have a future. I’d have been able to assist them with their higher education, and more.(1)

As it was, my “child support” payments have simply financed my ex’s drinking for an additional 12 years, all while I did the actual supporting of my children. Now, she faces a much earlier death, because her liver’s nearly shot. She almost died last year from liver failure. I’ve still been paying “child support,” and she’s still been drinking it all. And she’ll likely die soon.

Don’t “believe the women.” Believe the evidence. It’s the right thing to do. For everyone involved.

— xPraetorius


(1) Don’t feel too bad for me. Without the financial albatross around my neck that was my ex-wife, I’ve since prospered substantially. You could call me wealthy, but I prefer the term: “rich.” Rich, because I have been an integral part of my children’s lives. I have been there to help them grow up. I have been there for all their Christmases, birthdays, Easters, Fourths of July, Memorial Days, and the rest. I’ve been there for all their sporting events in High School, and for all their graduations. I’ve been there for all their heartaches, their triumphs and defeats. We’ve been together, all three of us, for all of that, and we’ve been active supporters of each other. I’m very rich. And, yes, I’ve been able to assist the kids with their finances, their education and more. However, it doesn’t change the fact that at the state’s behest, I’ve paid to allow my ex-wife to live in a cushy apartment in West Hartford, CT, while not working, and drinking her days away. That’s the activity that will kill her soon. Again, as the state required of me. And why? Simple: they “believed the woman.”

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