How to React to the Protesters Outside Republican Events

We don’t worry about them … we welcome them!

They are the takers. They can teach us.

When a Republican candidate for President — at this point I don’t care who he or she is — is greeted by protesters, he or she should give the following speech:

Did you see that we have a bunch of protesters here tonight? Yes, we do. A few hundred, or thousand or so. Well, I want to tell you here that we appreciate them. We appreciate them more than they know. We welcome them. With open arms. Why? Simple: they teach us. They give us a clearer understanding of how things are in America than any other candidate, debate, forum, speech or campaign rally ever could. Look at them!

Can we put them (the protesters) up on the screen please? [Venue puts a video feed of the protesters on the main screen] Now, take a good look folks, there are the takers.

Do you think your taxes aren’t high enough? Those people want you to pay more! To them!

When you pay and pay and pay and pay your taxes, those [points at the big screen] are the people taking your money. And they want even more. They truly don’t think you pay them enough to do what they’re doing right out there.

Look at them well. They’re the future “community organizers,” and “activists,” and some are future welfare recipients, and some — who knows … most? — are already getting food stamps, or will be getting food stamps soon. All bought and paid for by you, and your children and their children and their children’s children. And so on.

Think it’s hard to save for your kids’ future education? Look right there [points at the big screen]. There’s the money. Right there! Right in plain sight! There’s your kids’ education, your retirement, your savings, your nest egg, your rainy day fund, your well-earned but untaken vacations, your security. It’s all outside … yelling at you that you don’t pay them enough already.

Those are the gender studies, sociology, journalism, anthropology and library sciences graduates from the local college or university; They’re the peace studies, hyphenated-American studies, theater majors or literature graduates, who have all realized that they have no real, marketable skills with which to make a legitimate living. So they need to take someone else’s money. Your money. [points at the crowd.]

Do you have time to run around “protesting?” Of course you don’t. Because you have to work for a living! It was difficult enough to get the free time to come here, tonight, wasn’t it?

They [points at the screen] make their living sponging off your efforts to make a living for your family and yourself. That’s their business plan. And it works. Look how many of them there are.

So, we love the protesters for all that they teach us. In fact we love them so much that we’re going to do something really nice and really special for them, just to show how much we appreciate them.

We’ll take a fifteen-minute intermission right now, and I want each of you to go out there right now and hand one of them — just one — a five dollar bill [provided earlier by the candidate’s campaign].

Do your best to give yours to someone who hasn’t already received one. [Speaker winks, and muses out loud in a stage whisper:] I wonder if any of these wonderful, unselfish, non-greedy protesters will try to get more than one $5 bill. Naaah… they wouldn’t do that, would they? That would be wrong! [Normal speech voice now:] Go ahead, we’ll film it [film crew follows some speech attendees as they go out to hand $5 bills to protesters. The speech stops for 15 minutes as the crew films the distribution of a few $5 bills. The speech resumes when most of the attendees are back in the venue. Should take about 15 minutes. Candidate resumes speaking.]

I wanted to do this exercise so that you could see personally what’s really happening in this country. [Pauses] And to cut out the middleman. [pause again for laughs and applause] Hey, I wonder if we paid them more than the Sanders campaign. [pause again for laughs and applause. Then, back to the speech, after it quiets down.]

You are the producers, the real workers; they [points at the big screen] are the takers. You work for a living, with no expectation that you would do anything else, right? They take your money for a living, with no expectation that they would do anything else. And they have the all the time in the world, and enough money — your money — to come to all our events and protest that you’re not giving them enough money.

We welcome the protesters. They show us what awaits our country if you elect Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders, or their like.

Except, if you do elect Democrats, those people [gestures toward the screen that still shows the protesters] will find actual employment — filling the government agencies that will enforce — with the IRS, and prison terms, and fines and penalties galore, and at gunpoint if necessary — the theft of more and more of your money.

Look at them well. We welcome them here, and we thank them for the lesson they give us so clearly here.

 I wish a Republican candidate for the presidency would give that speech.

— xPraetorius


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