I’m Dead


Have you ever come home from work “more dead than alive?”

Have you ever answered “I’m dead” to the question, “How are you?” Indicating, of course, that you’re dog tired.

Have you ever been “dead tired?” Well, I certainly have.

However, recent events have made me re-think this. I never knew, until very recently, that if you simply  so “identified,” any man could be a woman and vice versa. From her mannish, lumpy cocoon, Caitlyn Jenner has emerged a beautiful woman butterfly. But, that’s not all. You can do this every day if you want! Switching from one to the other — or to still others! — as your awareness of your identity deems necessary. Facebook has indicated that you can be any of some 50+ “genders” whenever the awareness strikes you!

But wait, there’s more!

If you’re whiter than white, as I am, it turns out that you too can be black! Ask the redoubtable Rachel Dolezal who parlayed the lily whiteness underneath her pharmacy-bought tan into a position of great power in the Race Grievance Industry. When she was white-outed, she continued to insist that she’s black. Many black people have supported her! They, too, have insisted that one’s race is nothing more than an arbitrary social construct, based on nothing more substantial than the color of one’s skin.

You and I, they insist, should be able to be black, despite appearing white. Furthermore, call “Caitlyn” Jenner “he,” and you risk real vein-popping, spittle-flinging rage directed at you. How dare you question the sexual identification of someone?!? And, all this outrage is supported by nothing more than Bruce Jenner’s assertion that he’s not really Bruce Jenner, and never has been.

Well.

Why stop there?

All those times I thought I was engaging in quaint hyperbole when I answered “I’m dead,” to the question, “How are you?” Maybe I was right and I’m simply awakening now to a deeper understanding of my real self. I think I am dead! Or, post-living.

If, literally, black is white and white is black, and female is male and male is female, based on nothing more than the word of the one claiming it, when he/she/it/zhe is claiming it, then who are you to deny me my true post-living self? To deny me my very identity?

After all, if my color has nothing to do with my color, and if my sex is merely what I say it is, then my “animation status” is what I say it is too, and if you disagree, then you’re nothing more than a bigot  and a retrograde, neanderthal reactionary, patriarchal oppressor. I might look like a 6’4″ tall living white dude, but if I tell you I’m really a 5’2″ dead, black woman, just who the h*ll are you to tell me I’m not?!?

Furthermore, since my real color isn’t related to my actual color, and my real sex is what I say it is — despite all outward appearances, and the presence of two fine children — then “alive” and “dead,” obviously, are nothing more than arbitrarily-defined social constructs too! Go ahead, prove me wrong.

People oppress us using the disgusting, vile slur, “inanimate.” Think about it. How would you like to be called “inanimate,” as if you were nothing more than a mineral or an … object? We’re not the “i” word, we’re “Trans-animate.” We need to look upon the “i” word the same way we look upon the “n” word: as a vile, ugly slur.

If a man can know what it is to have been a woman all along, and a white person can know what it is to have been a black person in the wrong color body — things that on the surface seem ludicrous, laughable — then we, the once living can plainly know when we’re actually dead.

That I should even have to explain all this to you is unbelievable to me, and a real sign of how we must get rid of the oppressive male patriarchy that has dominated and squashed our thinking about the pre-dead, and us dead folks for so long. We need to get rid of it now!

It’s as plain as the fact that Caitlyn Jenner is a woman, that associating breathing, and eating, and moving around, and interacting and reacting only with the living, and not with us Trans-animate Americans too, is nothing more than bigoted discrimination born of hate.

I know, I know, if I’m dead, why should I care? Well, thank you very much, the discrimination against other Trans-animate Americans is beyond unbearable. I care! Okay? First of all, you assume, because I’m post-living, that I don’t care! Are you really trying to say that only the pre-Trans-animate can have feelings? Bigot! Unenlightened troglodyte! Transaniphobe!

Despite being dead, I happen to be quite able, and willing, I might add, to speak out against such narrow-minded discrimination, to stand up for my rights, as an oppressed minority. I will not be placed in a box in the ground. I will not be burned and turned into nothing more than ashes on my children’s respective mantel pieces. I will not be starved of food and air just because I’m dead. We Dead-Americans have taken this lying down for far too long!

As it turns out, my company has signed me up for a very generous life insurance policy — in excess of a million dollars! — and being dead, I think it only fair and just that I be able to collect that money. Yes, yes, yes, I know… it’s supposed to go to my kids, but that’s just because when I signed up, in the “Beneficiary” box, there was no option to write, “self.” That’s workplace discrimination.

I think that if other Americans with large insurance policies really were to think about it, they might realize that they’re dead too, and they just might want to join our movement. Then we Trans-animate Americans could go down to Washington and make our elected representatives see.

There’s lots and lots of evidence to support my claim. We Trans-animate Americans have established a strong tradition of civic involvement. In Chicago we made the difference in the Presidential election of 1960! And we’re sure to fulfill our civic responsibility whenever Election Day rolls around and the Democrat candidate is worried about a close race.

Let’s be clear about one thing, though: we are not zombies. Zombies are an unkempt, slovenly bunch, with disgusting dietary and sanitation habits. Associating such folks with real Trans-animate Americans is racist and we won’t stand for it.

People will ask me, is Trans-animation a disability? No. It’s a different ability. We Trans-animates have a different, deeper perspective on life, because we’ve viewed it from both the inside and the outside.

Already I hear you intolerant, right-wing nut, dogmatic, zealots: “But,” you’ll say, “if we were to open up the coffins in the ground, there’d be nothing but bones in there!”

Oh? How do you know? Who are you to decide? Why, up until only a few years ago, we didn’t even know that a man could be a woman and vice versa, and that a white person could be black merely because they said so! Today all that is as plain as the nose on your face, and we learned it only very recently.

Who are you to suggest that those Trans-animates you buried in possibly the worst human rights violation in history — are not simply in a deep meditative state? Maybe they’re just figuring things out. We Trans-animates who haven’t yet entered into the Great Meditation (as I like to call it) need food, air, rest, relaxation, money, leisure time to prepare to do the vital work of the Trans-animate on Election Day.

It’s nothing less than the Civil Rights issue of our time, to bring justice, money, fairness  and equal rights to all Trans-animates in America and around the world. Our demands are reasonable:

  1. Give us all the money from all our life insurance policies. It’s our money after all!
  2. No taxation on that money. We’ve been victimized enough. Do you really want to tax the dead? What kind of prejudiced, greedy, cruel dastard are you?
  3. We want our Social Security paid to us as a lump sum. After all, we didn’t live long enough to collect it. It’s only fair that we get it all after we identify as Trans-animate.

Not to give us our very reasonable demands, and begin to erase millennia of discrimination against us Trans-animates, is nothing more nor less than transaniphobic bigotry.

Once we’ve achieved those objectives, I plan to launch a Trans-animate Marriage Equality (TAME) movement. True marriage equality can be achieved only when we oppressed Trans-animates can marry and have families of our own.

And, here’s what’s the most amazing thing: Those of us who identify as Trans-animate before beginning the Great Meditation, can produce children! Even if our partner identifies as Trans-animate too! This is a vital piece of information, because we can now find out whether Trans-Animation is genetic or learned. By all appearances, the children born to Trans-animates are actually living children, who identify as pre-dead.

So, what do you think? Are you dead too? Go check your insurance policies to find out.

— xPraetorius

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