Quick ISIS Note — Hint: Not the Sharpest Knives in the Chandelier(*)

After the Texas “shootout”(1) ISIS made a statement which, if it weren’t on a serious topic, would have been really funny. They said something to the effect of:

“We knew they were guarded, but our guys are so freakin’ devoted to our cause that they were willing to die for it, and so bow down before our fury, filthy infidel, before you meet the same fate as … ummmmm… our two intrepid brethren who were really kinda schlubs, and absolutely not the best we could have thrown at you, but if they had been, you sure would have known about it, and there’re lots more where they came from! Ummmm… okay?”

Or: the two bumbling would-be shooters were so stupid that (1) they fell for ISIS’s transparently runny feculence, or (2) you ISIS dudes told them, “C’mon, it’s Texas, no one’ll ever know you’re coming!”(2) Either way, two — two! — intrepid jihad-brained “warriors,” armed with AK-freakin’-47’s, went up to the “Draw the Doofus Muhammed” contest party, and got dropped by a traffic cop dude with a service revolver.

These “warriors” had enough firepower to take out a freakin’ school, and leave some for an additional school bus or two, and a flatfoot with a pistol sent them to tell Allah personally of their magnificent exploits.(3)

This is the secret of ISIS: they’re really stupid. Go ahead… you tell me something intelligent about their ideology, their beliefs, their strategies (Hint: it involves them dying whether or not they succeed in their mission), their … anything.

Yes, yes, yes… I know, they use technology, and social media, and the Western media, and all that… So, that means that there are roughly a dozen members of ISIS who are intelligent enough to tell you where Florida is in on a map of Florida. Their foot soldiers, though, those legendary thousands of recruits who are all flocking to their side to wage holy war… those lot are a bunch of people too stupid to die for the Darwin Awards. I mean anyone can figure out a way to die for the Darwin Awards! No, these lot have to tie a bomb to themselves and set it off to do their bit for the gene pool.

And saying that someone is “able to use the western media” says nothing more than that the person can somehow figure out how to dupe people whose collective IQ you could put in a coffee mug, and still leave room for cream, sugar and a spoon to stir it.

Don’t worry about ISIS so much; rather worry about the sniveling wretches riddled like trichina worms throughout our government, falling all over themselves to surrender to these half-wits.

— xPraetorius


(*) For the Hillary voters reading this, I know that the expression is “Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier,” or “Not the sharpest knife in the drawer,” but I was trying to emphasize the sheer lack of intellectual capacity in the noggins of ISIS followers. I recognize that for you Hillary voters, this particular mixing of metaphors in the headline might be a tad over your heads, so you can read it instead as: “ISIS: Kinda Stoopid”

(1) – Read: ISIS went to Texas to try to kill someone at a free speech event, and a real Texan killed them right back. (h/t: Ron White for the quip)

(2) – In other words, you told them what the nightly news would tell them if they were stupid enough to watch it.

(3) – Wouldn’t you like to have been a fly on the wall for that meeting?

Allah: So, what have you two done in your lives for my greater glory?

Intrepid Jihadis: Well, we studied your thoughts and your way, and we acted like good muslims and we never fornicated — well , not much — or drank alcohol — well, not much — or hung around with loose women, or…

A: (impatient) Yes, yes, yes, I know all that… what did you do that would make Me proud? What did you do to make sure that the whole world keeps my name holy?

IJ: Well, we went out to shoot up a gallery showing profane drawings of your holy prophet Muhammed…

A: Oh, and how did that turn out?

IJ: (hesitant) Well, you see, there were some things we didn’t really count on…

A: What “things?” I watch the network news, I know that Texans are nothing but dumb hick rubes… Surely you were able to take out quite a number of infidels who were besmirching my prophet’s holy name… Right? Right?

IJ: Well… you see, Sir, there was this one guy… I mean, we couldn’t possibly have known how good he was with a pistol! No one told us he would be there. And, he really must have practiced… and practiced and practiced… a lot!

A: Yes…? Come on… how many infidels did you dispatch to their  well-deserved reward?

IJ: W-w-w-ell, you see, Sir, we got, I mean, we went there to take out a hundred, or more… all for your holy name, of course… and to give these infidel Americans a lesson they’d  never forget in a thousand years; to show those devils the Americans what we followers, no, we admirers, of Allah… errrr, of you can do! To give them something that they’d …

A: Yes, yes, yes, yes … so how many infidel scum did you shoot? How many of these $*##%^& did you send to meet their maker… Err, ummm… to meet Me? How many did you get?

IJ: (downcast) Well, you see, Sir, that’s what we were getting to. We didn’t really, so to speak… get any. That guy must have had a really powerful pistol, and all his practicing and and all, and he must have cheated or something!… But we released a statement saying that we knew they would be there, so it’s really okay…

A: (interrupting) Wait, wait, wait… wait just a minute… a guy — one lousy guy — with a lousy, stinkin’ little pistol stopped you?!? You had AK-freakin’-47’s!!!

IJ: (interrupting) But, but, but… he was really good with that pistol. (lamely) And that’s why we’re here to tell you in person instead of you reading it in the New York Times  tomorrow morning.

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