I have black friends.
Oops! Whoa! I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have said that!!! Please forgive me…please, please, please! I do have black friends, but I know I shouldn’t have said that. I know it’s the truth, but I said it in a context that made it seem as though I was saying it to prove that I’m not a racist, and I know that black people immediately without even thinking about it because of my white skin assume that I’m racist — uhhhh… uh oh… I didn’t mean that at all! How on earth could I presume to understand what black people, I mean “African-Americans” are thinking? Heh…heh… I’d never do that! So, truly, I’m really sorry! Let me start again.
Oh, and please don’t tell my boss! I’ll do anything! I’m not trying to bribe you, of course, I’d never try to do that! Of course, you’d never accept a bribe, anyway — not that I’m presuming to read your mind or anything, or assume what you’d do, but I just know you’d never accept my bribe, because I’m just a, well, I’m just a — you know! — Ok, ok…I’m just a white dude! Not that you’d ever consider the color of my skin some big deal in your assessment of who I am… I know that! Of course you wouldn’t! You’re black! Errr… African-American! You’d never accept any bribe! Especially one from a white guy like me! Sometimes we racist white dudes do that… we pretend we can read your minds and know what you’re thinking. You know: “you” … you black folks. We do that sometimes, we white dudes with wives and children and a job and a mortgage and a really nice neighbor and two cars and two dogs and a cat and I’d lose all that if you were to tell my boss. And I know that you seem to have all that too, but you really don’t because of the color of your skin, and how much you suffer because of that! And I didn’t mean that you’d accept a bribe from someone else whose skin isn’t white at all! I meant that you’d never accept any bribe, but I wanted to make sure you know that I’m not presuming to read your mind, and I’d never draw any conclusions about you whatsoever, because, after all, you’re black and I’m not, and I know that, and I know the historical abuses that my kind have perpetrated against your kind. I mean, against black people …. I didn’t mean to say “your kind!” Really I didn’t! It’s that racist white, freakin’ skin of mine again! I meant against “African-Americans.” But, weren’t they just ‘Africans’ back then? Never mind. Please, never mind! Please … I’m beggin’ you! Uhhhh…did I seem to say that with a fake ‘Ebonics’ accent? I really, truly, really didn’t mean to! And, I didn’t mean to ask that question! Oh… What question? I think I asked you…and I said it wrong too! I said, ‘Weren’t they all Africans back then? I should have said: ‘Weren’t they Africans that we white Americans — well Europeans — ripped from their home soil and transported to America to use their strength and lives for our own personal gain?’ That’s what I meant to say! Was that alright? Wasn’t that the right question? I never know. Honestly! Sometimes I swear this white skin of mine makes me stupid! So, anyway, I know you’d never accept a bribe from me, or anyone else, but I’m pleading with you not to tell my boss that I said what I said about having ‘black friends.’ Ok? Please? I promise I have no black friends.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I can’t thank you enough! You’ve saved my life my career, my family, my future, my job, my house and car! I’ll never say I have black friends again! Ever!
- Race Grievance Industry