SOTU — Are We Dumber Than a Third-Grader?

The Fox Broadcasting Company had a program: “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?” In this program, adults try to answer questions that fifth-graders might see in their schooling. Frequently, as you might guess, the adults are embarrassed.

The President’s State of the Union Address last night was even more embarrassing. We should be jaws-agape, heads-slowly-shaking-in-horrified-disbelief, mortified that such a vast, pathetic collection of misstatements, strawmen, giveaways, treacly platitudes, and stomach-churning donkey piddle — that was supposed to pass for a speech — passed the lips of a supposedly educated American adult last night.

Much less the lips of the President of the United States of America.

If he hadn’t been serious, Obama could have delivered the steaming pile of flapdoodle as a comedy routine in a cheap open mic session at a booze-filled dive somewhere where the average level of education is less than the third grade.

Less than the third grade? Yep.

Here are several teentsy-weentsy examples. Let’s see how a Third-grade teacher would react to some of the hogwash with which we were regaled last night:

Little Barack: “They said we couldn’t cut the deficit, but we cut them by a whole lot.”

Third-grade teacher: Well, little Barack, you can’t say you cut the deficit, when you raised it through the roof, to hyper-obscene levels at the beginning of your term, then Congress — by not doing much of anything for the past two years — brought it down to merely obscene levels. The equivalent of your claim that you “brought down the deficit” is if some guy who’s already over his head in debt buys an expensive new luxury car one year, and doesn’t buy another one the next year. Yep. You guessed it, that next year he “brought his deficit down,” but the new luxury car the year before was still entirely irresponsible, and he’s still got to pay for it.

Little Barack: Oh, yeah? Well, The stock market has doubled since I got here! Look how rich lots of people are getting in my America!

Third-grade teacher: Sorry, Little Barack. Since interest rates are at virtual zero, there is no way for investors to make money except for the stock market. The banks are paying something like .05 percent which means that if you park your money in a savings account, you lose money for doing so. So, Americans are pouring money into the stock markets, but, they’re doing it mostly through things like 401k accounts. The problem is that when interest rates come up to reasonable levels, money will leave the stock markets and bring down their value, and the retirement savings of tens of millions of Americans. The ridiculous, risible interest rates in America are all on Obama’s watch. The run-up of the stock market is a bubble. A dangerous bubble. Remember when another stock market bubble popped in 1929?

Little Barack: “Well, well, well… unemployment is down. Way down! So there!”

Third-grade teacher: Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk Little Barack… No, it’s not. Real unemployment… you know, real Americans who could work, have the skills to work, and are not working? And can’t find a job? That’s way up. There are tens of millions of people who have so despaired of ever finding a job in your America, that they’ve simply given up. More Americans — per capita — are on the sidelines than ever in history. And you said it yourself: people will need ever greater technical skills to find a job in the future. Do you honestly think that the people on the sidelines are all upgrading their skills? Or, rather are they simply falling further and further behind? You, Little Barack, are the main cause of the impoverishment of tens of millions of Americans who used to be middle class.

Little Barack: But, but, but… all those jobs created!

Third-grade teacher: Turns out that a huge percentage of those jobs are part-time, so that employers can afford to hire them — and not provide benefits. Oh, and millions of those jobs went to non-Americans. Great, Little Barack. Just great..

Little Barack: “Well, we have to do something about Climate Change! And you can’t say no, because I know some good scientists who say so!”

Third-grade teacher: Well, first, Little Barack, you admitted yourself that you’re not a scientist, so you’re therefore also not qualified to determine whether anyone is a good scientist or not. Let’s get that out of the way immediately. Second, all scientists know that the climate does nothing but change. Do you remember when New England was under a sheet of ice more than a mile thick? Of course you don’t. But what do you think happened to make that mile-thick ice sheet go away? Yep. You got it: Climate Change. Really drastic Climate Change. Enough Climate Change to make a sheet of ice a freakin’ mile thick just … go away. Oh, and there weren’t any people there either. And, guess what, we’re pretty glad that Climate Change happened, aren’t we? You said that scientists have told you that “human beings are doing things that cause climate change.” Do you really not understand just how dopey that sounds? Just how positively moronic that sounds? Listen well, Little Barack, because here’s the deal: everything that ever happens on the face of the earth causes Climate Change. Either a little bit of it, or a lot. Drop a pebble the size of a child’s marble two-and-a-half feet from your hand — Congratulations! You just caused Climate Change! Sheesh! You failed to ask the only question that counts: “To what extent do humans change the climate?” Oh, and the other important question that you and your so-called “scientists” never seem to ask: “What if the change in the climate is making it better?” And, you do know that the very term “Climate Change” exists only because “Global Warming” proved to be a fraud, don’t you? You do know that, don’t you? Real scientists know that.

 Little Barack: “Oh, yeah?!? Well, I’ve still created more jobs here than Europe, Asia, Africa and anywhere else combined!

Third-grade teacher (sarcastically): That was a really tough thing to do, Little Barack… You could have created just one job and done better than the rest of the world … combined … which, for job creation, is in the negative numbers. Furthermore, most of the jobs that “you” created, that are worth anything, are in states run by Republican governors who governed in explicit opposition to your policies. You’re claiming credit for what Republicans did.

Then there was that dumb, dumb, dumb thing you said about the minimum wage. Something like, “If you think that you can support a family on less than $15,000 a year, you try it.” Great applause line… for morons! Interesting that all the Democrats applauded it. That was embarrassing. There’s not a single person on the face of the earth — except, apparently, you — who thinks that the minimum wage is supposed to “support a family.” Furthermore, there are almost no people actually trying to “support a family” on the minimum wage. Minimum wage recipients are generally teenagers. The truth is that the vast majority of people simply pass through minimum wage for a short time, on their way to a better wage as they gain experience and years.

And what was all that “That’s not who we are” hooey? There are 300 million Americans! Who are you to tell anyone “who they are?” If you want to tell Americans “who they are,” you’d better get ready to spend a few hundred years in the telling, because they’re all different. And did I mention there’re more than 300 million of ’em?

Then you claimed great credit for Afghanistan and Ukraine. And this was all in the realm of claiming credit for great foreign policy accomplishments. Seriously?!? What about Syria and Iraq. Those are debacles, hellholesdeathtraps … and those are your fault, and they’re grotesque, ongoing, humanitarian catastrophes. How, on earth can you possibly have the gall to try to claim credit for foreign policy accomplishments?!? Your foreign policy is a disaster!

 Okay, okay, okay… Obama’s not dumber than a third-grader. But last night’s State of the Union Address demonstrates that he thinks we are.

— xPraetorius

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