I Can Cure Cancer! (In less than a MINUTE!)

It’s simple! Just do with cancer what we did with another disorder– simply reclassify it as not a disorder. Simply call it “normal,” even “desirable.” Or transform it into “noble.

Bemoan and condemn in no uncertain terms the oppression, and the stigma that cancer “victims” (it’s normal now, remember? Let’s just stop calling them “victims” — the word is radioactive, after all — let’s call them “Persons of Cancer” — or “POC.” (1)) have had to endure through the ages, and demand that the injustice stop!

Easy, right?

See if you can guess what was, until only very recently, an actual disorder… an abnormality. But, after a bunch of prancing kerfuffles, flouncing hoo-hahs and pouting indignation, guess what: presto-changeo, it’s normal! 

Not only is this newly-redefined thing normal, but if you were to say something seemingly perfectly sensible like, “Hey, are you freakin’ kidding me?!? Do you know what they do with their you-know-whats?!? That is not normal!” you would immediately find yourself buried — along with your career and social life — under a barrage of spittle-flecked, bug-eyed, forehead-vein-popping rage. 

Because, you see, all of a sudden you had become a freakin’ bigot! Oh, you hadn’t changed since the thing got re-defined, but society had. And the lunatics berating you… had all  of a sudden been transformed into ummm open-minded, sensitive, compassionate, caring, tolerant, sharing, loving, non-bigots.

Lunatics, obviously, but not bigots.

Can you guess what newly-proclaimed  “normal” thing I’m referring to is?

Yep. It’s: homosexuality. Or as it should be properly known: “elaborate masturbation with people of the same sex.”

So, why not just do that for cancer? Just call it normal. And if someone were to suggest that someone with cancer has an abnormality, or a disease, or a disorder, then inundate that someone with a barrage of righteous indignation-fueled abuse so that he’ll go cower in a corner and shut the heck up.


Cancer cured! Wow! Applause, and Nobel Prize, and freakin’ ticker-tape parades for me now, right? I mean, I just cured cancer! Or at least made it okay to have cancer.


Of course!

But, but, but… I hear you say. Cancer’s a disease! You can’t just “re-define” a disease  as “normal!” People die from cancer… you can’t just pretend that it’s normal! That would be cruel and awful and … people would die! 

Yet, being “gay” is not really a lifestyle, it’s a death style. Homosexuals die much earlier on average than normal people. They die from the ravages of homosexuality. It has nothing to do with “oppression” or “societal abuse,” but everything to do with how homosexuals lead their lives. Now that they have joined the ranks of favored, coddled grievance groups, this sad fact has not changed.

Frankly, between  you and me, I’d expect cancer people to revolt against this new “tolerance” for cancer. They’d say, “What in the heck are you talking about? What we have is not normal. We’re sick! And we need you and others to find out how to cure whatever the heck is wrong with us, not just pretend that nothing’s wrong with us!”

Which, by the way, is precisely how gay people should have reacted to the new “tolerance.”

Still most gays learned to embrace the notion that their abnormality is really not an abnormality. That, in fact, it’s perfectly fine, and they don’t need to change a thing in how they lead their lives. Cancer patients will be able to learn the same thing. Sure they’ll die a lot earlier than those without cancer, but so do gays.

If we were to make it just as hazardous to say anything negative about cancer, as it is for homosexuality, cancer patients will stop their whining and accept their new reality. They’ll accept that what they have is great and noble and, sure, it’ll kill ’em, but that’s just okay.

Okay, okay… of course I’m kidding. Just calling cancer “normal” doesn’t make it so. And, as you can probably tell, this essay isn’t really about cancer. However, what’s true about cancer is also true of all other disorders in life, such as homosexuality: just wishing something to be true doesn’t make it so. Just declaring homosexuality — and all its vast array of other related neuroses — “normal” doesn’t make it so.

Something else that’s true of both cancer and homosexuality: we’d do cancer patients no favor, obviously, by simply declaring cancer to be “normal.” Likewise, we did gays no favor by simply re-defining homosexuality as normal.

As mentioned above, homosexuality could be called a deathstyle rather than an alternative lifestyle. In arbitrarily redefining it as a “normal” thing, our society killed hundreds of thousands of gays when we could have been warning them of the very real dangers of homosexual activities. And we consigned millions of gays to lives of secret misery by eliminating any possibility of their leading a normal life. They know they have a rather significant abnormality, and they want to lead a normal life just as anyone else does.

It’s a harsh truth, but a truth nonetheless: you can wish reality away all you want, but it doesn’t then go away.

— xPraetorius


(1) Hmmmm… surely there are acronyms that can come out of this! Cancer is a condition in which certain cells go on a self-replication tear. They are, compared to other cells, ummmm… overly enthusiastic about making little versions of themselves. But everyone calls that a “bad thing.” Let’s re-classify it as a good thing. I mean, these are productive little dudes! Every self-respecting society — socialist or capitalist — respects productivity, right? So, let’s accentuate the positive! Let’s turn that frown upside-down! How ’bout if we call those cells “Cells of Enhanced Reproductive Capability,” or “CERC”  — or how ’bout “Cells With Extra Potency?” Cancer “patients” (they wouldn’t be “patients” anymore … they’d be normal people.) would become People of Cells of Enhanced Reproductive Capability — PoCERC,” or “People of Cells With Extra Potency” or ‘PoCWEP’  We should empower people who have learned that they are “living with cancer.”

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